In Mourning...

A friend of mine's father passed away this morning. It was quite expected, this gentleman was almost 94 and had been in declining health for several years. He was blind, and had a tumor the size of a grapefruit on his kidney. It was cancerous, but it didn't seem to spread to other parts of his body. The doctors were watching the tumor to see what would happen, they were hesitant to operate due to his advanced years. It was certainly time for him to depart this Earth. I feel a connection to him, as my husband and I purchased his family home from him a few years ago. He and his wife lived there for fifty years or so.

That isn't the main part of this. We all lose family members, it is to be expected. The only thing I really fear on this Earth is having my children die before I do. I'm not sure I could cope with it, and don't want to have to experience life without either one of them. Doing something drastic in reaction to a child's death isn't fair to the one left behind, so I would HAVE to live without one of them. It's just a hard situation that no one ever wants to face.

I tend to go through my life just like most folks- I take for granted the day to day interactions with my children. I love them to the best of my abilities, and hope that it is what they need. What I'm really discussing today is that I want them to look back at our time together here and see that it was good. I think it is. It's the best I can give them, no matter what else happens.

The time is going to come when I will pass on. I may go suddenly, or I may linger for a few years, like my friend's father. I think we all hope to pass on quickly; the suddeness of it can be harsh, but I'm sure I prefer that to watching and waiting. My mother died of cancer, and it wasn't nice to witness. I'm sure while she was ill she thought of her mortality every single day. The not knowing part is what is so tough for me. So, when I have to go I hope I drop of a sudden heart attack or something like that. Quick, to the point, and then done and over. I would like my family to get over my death and get back to the business of living as soon as possible. They have their own lives to live and don't need the life interruption that a parent who is in a long slow decline can provide. It's just really spiritually draining for the family to witness, if they are a close-knit family and really care.

Which is what I hope I have created here with my time on Earth, I hope that my family is really close-knit. I have always thought that the measure of how much I am loved is how I am mourned when I die. And I won't know that, will I? I hope that after I am gone that whenever my children speak of me they do so with much love and affection in their hearts and phrases. If I'm doing everything right on Earth then immediately after I'm gone they will have a hard time speaking about me, but as time goes on the good stories and affection that we shared will come through. I hope that it is conveyed to my grandchildren and to their friends.

I want to be missed, and I want to be mourned. It is kind of a novel idea for me- as I never mourned my father or my stepfather. Which is sad. It says to me that we didn't have a good relationship during our time here on Earth, and that is just a really hard thing to realize. They didn't take the opportunity to really know me, and I'm realizing that I am kind of a good person to know. It is their loss, and I do feel sorry for them and what we could have had.

I came to this theory after my mother passed away. I didn't realize that mourning would be something that I would do, I just never thought about it. But I honestly do mourn her. I miss my mother every single day. So, that tells me that even though we did have our problems and issues we really did love each other. And so, I do speak well of her. You have read here how I have had to integrate her life lessons into my life in a meaningful way. It can be hard at times, but it is worth the personal discovery when you do find out what someone's impact has had on you. And my mother's impact was a positive one.

So, I will continue to mourn my mother. I will miss her and speak well of her. It is what is due her now that she is in Heaven. And yes, I do believe she is there. Intent is at the heart of our Christian beliefs, and her intent was pure. So, she is with God. I'm sure of this.

As for my friend's father: I didn't know him that well, so I'm not sure how he is going to be remembered by his family. I only hope that his children and grandchildren will mourn his passing. I hope they will pause to remember the good times that they shared with him, and they will try to learn positive lessons from knowing him. I hope that they will think of him often and pray for his soul to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I've found that it isn't sad to mourn someone when they die. It is really a good and positive thing. So, Mr. Hunt may you rest in peace.