Two Brothers Pizza, NYC...

Recently I was in New York City for a long weekend. It was my first trip, but I have the feeling that it won't be my last. I was totally taken in by the charm and energy that this city is famous for. My daughter and I wandered down a side street and right into a Turkish festival- replete with Whirling Dervishes. We also wandered into the delightful Bryant Park, it was a beautiful and sunny day with New Yorkers out enjoying their Sunday morning the best way possible. That Sunday morning is going to be one of the most memorable I have ever spent.

We had to eat, and Katie knew exactly what she wanted; street food. She is passionate about New York pizza and we came across one of the best pizza places I have ever been to. There were no brick pizza ovens, no fancy wines, not even regular tables and chairs. That is what there was not; what was there was honesty, plain and simple. It was in the food, and it was in the people who ate there and were working there.

The pizza was memorable simply for being so simple- no fancy toppings, just wonderful crust, homemade tomato sauce, and cheese. Oregano was optional on the side. The menu said, 'a buck a slice or two slices and a can of soda for $2.50'. You can't beat that deal anywhere in the world. But that really wasn't the best part of Two Brothers; the best part was watching the people who were there. In the space of the 20 minutes that Katie and I were there I noted people from all over the world waiting in line- Nigeria, Japan, Central America, and America. Somehow they all gravitated there. However, the most amazing thing to me was the actual workers making the pizza.

I'm not sure there was anyone there who was one of the 'two brothers' . I only say this because I didn't see an italian person anywhere behind the counter; the guys I saw behind the counter were all Mexican guys. Five of them. And all working hard. They seemed happy to be where they were, but I don't think it has occurred to any one of them just exactly what it is that they are really doing there. Sure, they were making pizza nonstop but do they realize what they really do day in and day out? They are feeding a city- simply put they nourish a family of four for five dollars- that is real comfort when you don't speak the language and need to feed your wife and children. They also make a meal affordable to the homeless guy who is bumming change so he can have his daily meal and can't afford McDonalds.

These five Mexican guys think that they just have jobs. But in reality they are the cornerstone of this amazing city. And this entire country. They are the people that have successfully built our country for hundreds of years. They aren't from here, but they are of here, just like millions of other immigrants who came before them. And because of these people our country will continue to grow and prosper. Sure, they were all wearing Yankee hats but it wasn't out of love for Jeter or A-Rod, it was because they want to belong. And they certainly do.

The true face of love...

I lost someone very dear to me yesterday. His name was Raider Harewood Dragonslayer Hunt Macdougall - Ray Macdougall, for short. To most people he looked like a Fox Terrier but to me he looked like love.

Raider isn't the first dog that I have had to say goodbye to. No, not by a long shot. Growing up my family had a penchant for wanting to have a dog in their lives, I think to my stepfather it seemed like the 'right' thing to do. But when it became inconvenient for us to actually have the little guy around then all of the sudden he was gone. I'm not sure why my stepfather couldn't see the responsibility that he was undertaking, but he just couldn't. So, I grew up not trying to get attached.

Then I moved away, eventually going to college and then getting married. My new husband was gone for long stretches of time, like a US Army Officer is wont to do, and I needed someone to keep me company. That is where Russell Sage came in. Russell was an American Wooly Cocker Spaniel. He was as good looking a guy as I had ever seen, shiny black coat and big brown eyes. He loved to stand on his hind legs and look out our dining room window, and when he did I swear he looked like a little person with fuzzy black pants on. He was the 'boy next door' to me- he lived next door to us in our first military home when we moved to Ft. Huachuca, Arizona. I have to say that when he and I saw each other the first time it was true love at first sight for us both. In due time Russell came to live with us, I felt I was the luckiest girl around. He was my constant companion and lived with my husband and I through many moves, including living in Germany for a good portion of his life. He was twelve when he passed away, I had innocently figured he would live with me forever.

We didn't have another dog in our life until the kids were around and actually were much older. We acquired Harry the Chihuahua on a whim, and he was eight pounds of raw fury. He had a Latino temper, and was prone to leaving a 'gift' wherever he felt like it, but he could be fun. We lost him to Addison's disease, his adrenal gland simply shut down and in the space of ten days he was gone. He wasn't even three years old and it was hard to deal with, I (uselessly) vowed 'never again'.

Then Sage came into our lives. My husband was convinced that our son needed a canine friend to tell his troubles to, and no amount of protestation from me could change his mind. Before I knew what was happening we were coming home from the breeder with an eleven week old Newfoundland puppy that was bigger than most full grown dogs nestled quite contently between Alex and Katie in the back seat of our car. She fit right in with us, and even though she loves all of us she really does love 'her boy' best. She is true blue.

This is where Raider comes into the picture. He came into my life by accident- he was a 'gift of a gift', if you will. My friend had acquired him as part of a real estate transaction, he had accepted Raider as a gift. Within six weeks of Raider going home with Kevin it was clear that he wasn't suited to that household.

The good thing was that Kevin would bring him to the office with him, so I could see Raider almost every single day I was at work. My heart would really leap when I saw him coming across the parking lot with Kevin in the morning. Raider and I hit it off from the beginning; the first day at the office he came to sit next to me while I was at my desk. He looked up at me with his 'worry' expression and I melted. Before long Raider was helping himself to my lap while I was attempting to work at my desk. I couldn't help but fall in love with him.

So, when Kevin decided that his carpets at home weren't worth getting messed up- Raider hadn't been housebroken yet, he passed Raider on to me. I asked Kevin if we could have a 'trial run' for a weekend, Sage had to approve after all, and Raider and I never looked back. After that first weekend my husband even agreed that Raider was the perfect size for a dog.

Raider had a penchant for fun, that was obvious from the beginning. When he and Sage were introduced Sage barked at him and he was startled. See, his breeder was in the habit of cutting her dogs vocal chords so they wouldn't bark, so Raider had never heard a dog bark. He wasn't sure what to make of it, but he didn't let the boom that he heard from Sage deter him. Within 24 hours of coming to live with us he had Sage rolling over on her back in submission- he was the tiny Alpha Male in this household. I was startled the first time I ever heard Raider 'bark'- it was more of a whiney yelp than anything, but in due time he produced exceptional barks that rivaled Sage in annoyance. He had learned from a true master.

A terrier's composition is one of determination, and Raider was no different. Whatever he did he wanted to give his all; he could leap four feet in the air from a dead standstill. He loved to 'play chase' with me chasing him through the downstairs- he would tuck his tail under his backside and take off. The joy in his running was obvious- he loved nothing more than to escape out the front door and take off down the street. We would eventually catch him, but he always loved the adventure of getting out and running free. His favorite words were 'walk', 'dinner' and 'cookie'. But he also loved to just climb on top of me and lay down on me. As much as Sage was Alex's dog, Raider was mine. He would absolutely wiggle with joy when I would come home, and I would feel the same way when I saw him after a long day.

One thing that I wasn't prepared for was the empathy that seemed to be Raider's best quality. One time, after a particularly angry fight with my husband, I sat outside and cried my heart out. The pain I was feeling was quickly gone when Raider came to my side and put his paw on my arm. He wanted me to know that he didn't want me to hurt; he couldn't verbalize it in human terms, but he sure knew how to let me know in his own way. I have never had a better friend.

This past year has been one of upheaval for me. My husband of 29 years has moved on, and I have had to reconfigure my future. The one thing that I had planned and assumed was that Raider would be by my side for the next few years; that included sitting in the front seat of my car while we headed out for our new life in Arizona... Fast forward to yesterday. We found out that Raider had prostate cancer about a month ago. The vet was honest, but he wasn't accurate. He told us that Raider had three to six months, but in reality it was less than a month. For the past few weeks I could see him getting weaker and slower. The determination was still there, but the physical capabilities just were not.

I took Raider to the vet yesterday morning merely for an assessment, but the vet told me he had three to four days before his kidneys shut down. I was afraid of the news I would receive but I also knew that I had to show the same kind of love and compassion for Raider that he had given to me over the years.

I held onto him while he was on the exam table, my arms were around him and he had his left paw draped over my arm. As I held him I kept telling him how I loved him- the pain I experienced yesterday is the kind of pain born of true love; it is a bond that can't be adequately explained if you have never loved someone like Raider, or been loved by someone like him. I am lucky- I have, and I am all the better for it. Thank you, Ray, you mean everything to me. But you know that.

Patriots Day

Eight years ago today I'm sure you all remember where you were and what you were doing, it's one of those moments in time that is forever ingrained on our memories. Which is a very good thing, it's perhaps one of the only things that seem to bind all of us Americans together quite solidly any longer.

In the immediate aftermath of 9/11 everyone in this country was truly upset and up in arms- we couldn't let such an affront to decency stand, could we? We just weren't sure who we were supposed to me mad at. In time we put the blame were it was supposed to be, and got on with living with a new world order. Our lives have changed almost imperceptibly since then, but we do tend to have this tiny little grain of understanding that we didn't have before - we have seen true evil and are all the sadder because of it. This is an evil that the majority of good, kind, loving people would rather not ever be exposed to, but we have had no choice but to see it and experience it first hand. The average Americans life has honestly changed little since then.

These days there is precious little to unite these United States of America, we are more divided than ever it seems. A week ago it would have seemed impossible to have our standing President being heckled by the very government body that he is the head of, but it happened. Our good manners and civility seem to have vanished when the World Trade Center did. One thing that I hope that never vanishes is our sense of purpose and morality-and our sense of pride and gratitude. These days most folks think it's corny to espouse any ethnocentrism for our very own country, but when it comes right down to it we really need to. There is absolutely no reason not to- America is still 'the land of the free and the home of the brave' in every sense of the word. We are still a beacon of hope to many disadvantaged people throughout the world.

Even after living through the nightmare of 9/11 we are growing more and more out of touch with our own country, our own history. I hope that going forward from now on this newly coined Patriot's Day will be used by Americans to pause for a moment to remember those that have gone before us to pave the way for us, and be grateful for the sacrifices they have made, be they civilian or soldier. The ideals that embody Patriot's Day are the very same ideals that our country was founded on, and they should continue to be lived day in and day out from now on.

The face of life experience...

I'm looking at the face of true life experience, and this face looks youthful; smooth, wrinkle free, very sweet and loving. But, I know to not let these looks deceive, for this is the face of someone who has looked cancer in the eye. This face is not quite six years old.

Up until this weekend I hadn't personally seen this very precious face since she was diagnosed with melanoma, which was just about a year ago. At the time this little girl's parents and friends were devastated by the news. We were all stunned by this news, we wondered how something like this could happen to someone so young, melanoma was something that old people guarded against with long sleeves in the summer and big floppy hats. But it was true, the seemingly uninteresting little 'wart' on this young lady's foot was indeed cancerous. She now sports a few large angry red scars that are still healing from where the doctor had to cut this cancer from her body but I am very happy to report that my little buddy is now cancer free, she is very much alive and with us still. We are blessed indeed.

So, this weekend she and her mom, as well as her two sisters, came to spend some time with my family and I. It was great fun to have them all here with us again. The love and laughter of this family is infectious. We had a great weekend enjoying each others company, like usual. But during the weekend I took time to watch and observe this seemingly carefree child, I was looking for 'signs'. Signs that she was somehow changed. Signs that the innocence of childhood was over. After all, fighting cancer was a huge battle to wage, no matter that it was just a child who was doing the fighting.

What did I see as I watched her? I saw a child who smiled and laughed, got into a bit of naughty trouble, and who grew tired and cranky, just like her sisters did. She enjoyed having her 'makeover' at Sephora, just like her sisters. She enjoyed the sand and the water at the beach, just like we all did. Very normal reactions to everyday life. But, I also saw a child who would have to stop and just 'be'. She would grow solemn and quiet for a few minutes, watching and observing. Her long lashed bluegreen eyes were just taking everything in, she was contemplating her surroundings. Once I had to take her into my arms and hold her close, she needed a few minutes of quiet so she could get back up to speed with everyone else. As I held her I wondered, "Why such musings from a little girl?" Then I realized that she has truly had a 'life experience' far above almost every little kid her age and she surely must approach life from an entirely different angle than you or I do. Life had been coming at her and she had been unable to control what was going on in her very own body a year ago, but now she was going to take full advantage of being able to slow it down so she could process things at her own speed.

I'm not sure that if I had asked her about her year that she would be able to articulate stuff like most 'survivors' do; being grateful for the love of family, the support of friends, or even just being able to be outside breathing in fresh air. Very basic blessings. But, I got the feeling that little Mia knew all about those gifts that life gives us on a daily basis without having to articulate them. I also have the feeling that she is going to go forward with her life just 'knowing' subconsciously that what she does each and every day is something that is truly special. I think the day will come when she realizes that she is much tougher than she ever gave herself credit for, that she can face most any situation and come out winning. I hope that she will take these lessons that she has been taught by life and make them work for her in the most positive of ways. That is what gaining true life experiences is really all about. And it doesn't really matter what your age is when you get them. It's just that some folks learn them at an earlier age than others.

My Heart's Desire.

What do you do when you have gotten your heart’s desire? I mean when you have honestly had a real, spoken, heartfelt prayer answered? The kind of thing that you have wished, hoped, and truly prayed about for years? That is the kind of situation I find myself in today. And it all happened less than 24 hours ago. And, I’m still trying to wrap my head, and my heart, around this amazing turn of events.

Many people on the face of this Earth take their friends, and most friendships, for granted. They have seen the same people day in and day out for many years, if not their entire lives, and are used to having these people in their world. But, there are some of us who have had the good (?) fortune to have lived in many different places in the world, and have met many different people. Some good, some not so great, but many that have become friends. People that have shared some common bonds; school, work, travel, children. There are as many different bases for friendships as there are people. As time goes on, and you move on from your current life and situation, you find that some of these friendships just don’t feel relevant any longer, so these people slip through your fingers and out of your life.

I know this has certainly happened to me, and for the most part I just think about most of these folks once in a while and hope that they are ‘doing well’. The basic things that we all wish for; good health, great kids, good jobs. But then there are people that we have let slip away and we live to regret letting them go so casually. I am thinking specifically about my absolute best friend, Michele.

I met Michele the first week of 8th grade, in the girls locker room at school. We had gym lockers next to each other, and we started talking after class. And we never seemed to stop. Except for when we were laughing, which was quite often. And over the same things that school girls have laughed about for ‘always’. I can’t name anything in particular, but I know it was just every day living. School, boys, parents, other people at school. Michele was a person who totally ‘got’ me, and I never had to explain. And neither did she. The term ‘soul mate’ is used quite often, but she truly is mine.

Well, ‘is’ may be a bit premature. We haven’t spoken to each other in over 30 years, so using the present tense may be a bit presumptuous, but hopefully not. Especially when it comes to describing a soul mate, once you find them then that should be the end of it. Having that kind of connection should be for ever, right?

The coolest part is that my prayers have been answered. After my years of searching on the internet, and even just plain looking in phone books, SHE found ME. And I couldn’t be happier. Not just ‘oh, how nice..’ kind of happy. No, this is a deep and profound happiness that I have never experienced before. I now know that she is well, she is happy, and that she is the same Michele that I knew. And, I have reaffirmation that God does indeed love me (forgive me, but I’m only human and have my tiny doubts sometimes.) He answered my prayer. It took a while, but he did. And I know not to question his time line, he did it for a particular reason, so I’m going with it.

Post ed: I wrote this some time ago, but have just now gotten around to posting it here. In that time Michele and I have spoken often, and it is indeed like we have never been apart. There is this gap of our lives that we can't get back, but there is a part of me that doesn't care. We have said so much that is still true today, and even though we have both lived a lot of life Michele is still much the same as she was back in high school. I will say that there are days when things are not going well, and all I have to do is think about Michele and how she is really IN my life again and I'm happy. The bad stuff doesn't seem so bad, it's all thrown into perspective. I hope that if Michele reads this, as well as Betsy, Debbie and Kathy, that they all know I am only a phone call away. That is such a blessing to be able to have again. Thank you all for blessing me with your friendship.

Unfounded Fears...

What is there to be afraid of? I'm not too sure anymore. And that is kind of an interesting thing. When we are young we all have many of the same fears; spiders, weird foods, monsters under the bed or in our closets. They seem to be very concrete and real, but when we get older we see that they really aren't. When we get older we get to see what REAL fears can be.

The older I get the more I know that what I was afraid of when I was young were really silly things, because these days my friends and I have experienced real fears; the possibility of not raising happy and healthy children, divorce, facing bankruptcy and losing the very home we live in, the death of loved ones. Those are certainly tangible fears that (unfortunately) many of us do have experience with. So, if we ever get to look back on our childhood fears we can laugh at them for the 'silly' things they are. But, they show us where we were at that time in life - young and innocent.

Right now I'm thinking specifically about looking back at people I used to know, and have lost touch with (until recently). People that I was extremely tight with when I was young, but I don't really know now. I know my high school years were, for the most part, not the best. I was never a jock, I was never popular, and I wasn't thought to be overly intelligent. When I graduated from high school I was mighty happy to exit those front doors and I've not ever really looked back. And that includes the usual- Christmas cards, reunions, and such. I have never done those things. I didn't keep in touch with anyone that I was so very involved with back then. I'm not sure why, but I just didn't feel the need, or desire, to. So, I didn't. That is until now.

As you know from a previous entry, I just recently found some of my dearest friends from high school. It's been about six weeks or so since I found Betsy and Kathy. And it's been really great- it's not like we have been apart for thirty plus years. There has been no judging, no one uppmanship, not any of the things that I was afraid would take place. And now we have found Debbie.
Last night Betsy, Kathy, and Debbie had dinner together. I wasn't there because I am all the way across the country from them. But I was there in spirit, and all of them knew it. Betsy made sure that pictures were shared, and my last entry here was printed and given. And I think it was all good, at least it seemed that way when they phoned me from the restaurant. That was so cool. Then this morning Betsy posted the pictures from last night, and that is when I realized all of this. And it dawned on me; just what exactly in the world are we so afraid of, anyway?

Did all of us think that we were the only ones left behind in the dust? That we were the only ones who were going to experience life and grow old while everyone around us had stayed young? I know that for myself I just figured that I would schlub along in life, doing what I do while everyone else I know went on live some sort of fabulous life. Hmmmm, didn't seem to happen that way at all. It appears that everyone else got busy living life, too. My friends grew up, they got older, but for some reason they weren't living any 'overly fabulous' lifestyles like I had imagined. Sure, we all are pretty happy with life- we are still breathing, we have families and love in our lives, and we are looking forward to what is in store next. I'm not sure what else there is there for us, but we are going to take it all one day at a time, just like we always have. We will continue to live our usual lives, doing our usual things. Nothing glamorous, nothing over the top. Just the usual.

I think that we have all figured out the solution to those childhood fears, I know I have. I learned that I am bigger than spiders and can smash them at will, I learned that some 'weird' food is really tasty, and I have confronted those damned monsters under the bed- they were really dust bunnies, after all. And I know that I have confronted one other real fear; the fear that all the people I grew up with went on to live some sort of big life that I would be excluded from, that I would somehow not understand or fit into. I'm glad to say that fear was completely unfounded, and I'm glad to find this out now. I guess that's what happens when you grow up - you face your fears and you get on with life. Yes, it's the way of the world.

P.S. There is one more thing to add to this self-realization, that I am not alone in this journey. I know that I now have three additional friends to turn to if I need them. And the same holds true for any one of them, I'm here if you need me. Don't hesitate to talk, I look forward to it.

In My Life...

(Lennon/McCartney)

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all


But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

I've spent this weekend reviewing and reliving my long ago past. It was unexpected, and has been pretty wonderful, for the most part. Which has surprised me. When I would think about these most formative years, 12-15, I got kind of nostalgic, but not so much that it made me want to reconnect with my friends. I used to think that they probably wouldn't really remember me very well, and certainly wouldn't have time for me. I have been pleasantly surprised to find that they think of me as fondly as I do them. Which is nice.

I've been trying to figure out why all this means so much to me now. I'm sure that in every one's life there comes that division; the 'before' and the 'after' they 'grew up'. These kids were certainly the best part of my 'before' I had to grow up. Michele, Kathy, Betsy, Debbie, Steve, Arnold- they were a part of a wonderful time in my life when I had no responsibilities. We did all the crazy stuff that kids our age did- ditched school together, hung out together, laughed almost too much together. These people were of a like mind, and they were there to lend a sympathetic ear in the way that only your best friends can. They say that your teen years are all about fitting in with your peers. If you did then it was all good. I guess I must have fit in pretty well, because it seems like it was indeed 'all good'. That must be why I remember that time so fondly. I think that I've been looking for the same kind of friendship ever since.

Sure, as time went on I have developed other friendships, but they seemed to be based on much different criteria; summer friendships that don't stand the test of Wintertime, college friendships born from late nights studying and drinking. All my adult friendships haven't had to test any real boundaries- especially after I married my best friend. I certainly didn't need to look outside my marriage for tight friendship then. But all those friendships don't compare to the friendship that I had when I was a young teenager. That must be why I remember that time so fondly.

We get so busy with the task of living our lives that we can and do easily lose focus- on what is important in our lives, and what our past was and how it can teach us in our present. I've been very lucky this weekend, I've rediscovered that it's a really good thing to have friends and it's great to be able to look back and relive some of the happiest times I'll ever know with some pretty terrific people; and it seems like the older the friends the better it is. I can't go back and relive my teen years, God knows I really don't want to. But, I'm really glad that I can revisit them now and know that I'm not the only one who appreciates those times like I do. Thanks, Betsy.