Mothers...

The topic for today is Mothers. I feel qualified to write about this subject as I have had one, and I am one. There are many kinds of mothers in the Motherhood spectrum. There is one end of the spectrum where mothers try to micromanage and hover; then there is the opposite end of the spectrum- the kind of mothers that bring you into the world, then leave you to try to figure life out on your own. Most mothers fall somewhere in the middle of this range.

My mother in law is the micromanaging type. When my husband was a baby she would strap him into his bed at night, just to make sure that he didn't fall out during the night. She even sewed his baby clothes- including pockets in his little outfits. I'm sure at the time he didn't know what they were for, and probably couldn't even find them if he had wanted to. She felt that doing these things were physical proof that she loved and cared for him, she was trying to be a good mother. I'm sure that this sense of care and concern helped my husband to become the loving and compassionate man he is today.

Then there it the other end of this spectrum. I am thinking about a mother/daughter relationship that I have been witnessing for about five months now. The mother left the daughter when she was about 9 years old, and has just recently tried to come back into her child's life and become her mother again. She has failed miserably. In the ensuing eight years that the mom was gone the daughter learned how to do for herself, without her mother's guidance. I feel badly for this woman, I really ache for her. She has muffed the one pure relationship that God gives us on this Earth, and I'm not sure how she is going to ever fix it.

Then there is the topic of my own mother. I think that she falls somewhere in the middle of the 'mothering' spectrum. I honestly don't recall just climbing into my mother's lap to be held. And my mother never read a book to me at night. We didn't spend a lot of time just hanging around together because my mother wasn't a 'stay at home mom'- she had to work to put food on the table for her family. My mother was a secretary, and a damned fine one, at that. She probably knew more about her chosen field than most of the engineers she worked for. She took great pride in what she did.

My mother passed away on June 18, 1999 at approximately 10:10 pm. I had driven my family 4 days to reach her; she waited until all three of her children were with her to pass away, and even though she was in a coma she knew when we were there with her. After she passed from this Earth I kissed her forehead, then my brothers and I prayed over her and toasted her life. I miss her every single day.

But this is not to say that she and I didn't have problems. We certainly did. I had been summarily dismissed from the family home when I was 15, as I look back on that time it seems like I was 'in the way'; sending me to live with my stepfather's family was my mom' s solution to this problem. That whole experience is an entirely different story, best left to another time. Let's just say that when it happened it seemed as if my unspoken prayers had been answered- I was certainly experiencing the usual teenage angst that most kids go through- I hated my parents and couldn't even bear to be in the same room with them. So, not having to live with them seemed like a great idea at the time. After I moved, time passed and I grew used to the idea of being in the unusual situation of not living in my own home with my mother and brothers. I coped and learned to move on.

It was only after I had my first child that I realized what my mother had done. She really had chosen my stepfather over me, and I became extremely angry with her. I knew, as I held my firstborn in my arms, that I would move Heaven and Earth for him. It seemed like having him with me for eighteen years wasn't going to be nearly long enough before I had to let him move out into the world. How could my own mother have let me go when I was so young? It was a painful realization for me to come to. I couldn't help but let this anger cloud our relationship- surely there were positive lessons to be learned from my mother. It would take me a long while to figure out what they were. I never asked my mother to explain why she did the things she did, and now it's too late.

So, now I have decided that I love my mother enough to forgive her for her shortcomings. I decided that I needed to figure out what lessons she did impart to me and this is what I came up with; I learned to never quit. My mom would see a thing through to the end and wanted me to, as well. She also taught me to live with style and wit, humor was a big part of her life, and it is for me, too. She also taught me to do my best whenever I am faced with a task. It was important to her to do something well, and it's important to me, too. I have also decided that my mother loved me to the best of her ability. Was it what I needed while I was growing up? Probably not. But she still did her best, like she always taught me to do. I know for a fact that she certainly didn't hate me, and did not want to cause me harm. Almost every mother on the face of the Earth feels this way.

So, does the fact that my mother didn't sew pockets into my baby clothes mean that I should hate her? Does the fact that my mother made me grow up when I was 15 mean that she was evil? Does it mean that I am lacking in the 'mothering' department myself? I don't think so. The examples we see in our mothers actions are usually good lessons in HOW to be a mother or parent; both what we want to emulate, and what we don't want to ever become. Hopefully we can face the task of being mothers with an open mind, and in the process become the best that we can be. It's really all a mother could ever want.

True Happiness...

I just Googled the word 'happiness' and came up with bunches of different ideas about what happiness is. It's definitions, how to get it, what to do with it, where to put it. It's a state of mind, it's even a movie from 1998. Wow.

It seems that quite a few people are really concerned with the topic of Happiness and how to find it in our lives. I found a 'happiness workbook' so you can jot down ideas and work on exercises to help you define it for yourself. There is even a lady who is writing a book about happiness, she is trying to put all the techniques that she had heard of into practice. She is giving herself a year to find out if they work or not. I wonder how close she is to reaching her goal. What is going to happen to her if she doesn't find happiness using the time tested principles that she has found? That could be really bad for humanity.

What about our own personal pursuit of happiness? We are guaranteed the right to pursue it by the US Constitution. That is our birthright, one of the main benefits of being born an American, I would think. We can legally do whatever it is that we feel we need to in order to find it. Which is pretty cool, to my way of thinking. As long as we don't tread on other people's rights to pursue it, that is. Once we start that then the entire process starts to get messed up big time; we can't go after our own happiness while trampling someone else's. So, we need to keep that in mind before we go crazy looking for happiness.

About once a month or so my husband asks me if I'm happy 'yet'. This question makes me weary, like happiness is a destination that I should have arrived at long ago. Yes, I suffered from a nasty bout of depression a few years back. I was really low, and wondered if I could feel better ever again. Not being on this Earth looked like a really great idea at the time- that is how badly I felt. But, I did indulge in a bit of chemical therapy, and over the course of two years I did emerge from that dark hole. And I do feel much better about life in general.

But, it wasn't a direct lack of 'happiness' in my life that sent me into that depression. Not at all- back then I had everything that any person would want: A beautiful and vibrant family, a wonderful home that is so much more than what 99% of the rest of the planets' inhabitants get to live in. I had good health, and I had intelligence. All of the makings of 'happiness' I would guess. So, what in the hell was MY problem? I had it easy, happiness should have gone hand in hand with my life. I was proof that happiness and depression could not coexist together.

The term 'happiness' never entered into that picture. It wasn't that I was or wasn't lacking in that department, my problem with depression was about so much more than not being able to grasp and hold on to mere fleeting happiness. And, with all of this talk of defining what happiness is, I'm still not sure what it takes to have it. Maybe I have it already and don't know it? You hear people talk all of the time about a certain time in their lives and how it was 'the happiest' time for them. Did they know it when they were experiencing it? Or is happiness something that we realize we have experienced AFTER the fact? Is happiness really that fleeting that we are unable to recognize it when we are living it? Perhaps we humans have too many expectations about happiness and it's real importance in life- happiness is one of those concepts that is seemingly larger than life itself.

Whatever you may adopt as your definition of happiness, one thing is for sure; it IS out there, somewhere. How do I know this? Because we can't have sadness without some sort of opposite, which in this case is happiness. It may be in the laughter of a child, it may be in the color of your favorite flower. Or it could just be one of those undefinable things that we keep pursuing while we are busy living our regular lives. Hopefully for all of us we won't need to look back at our past to discover that we have had it in our present, and hopefully our present will continue to contribute to a happy future. I'll let you know.

I Must Be Living Right...

Or at least happily, as I haven't entered anything new here in almost a month. I seem to write when I have a lot to unload, so lately I must be handling life fairly well.
I do have some concerns: The first being the market- and by that I mean the stock market. I am trying to learn how to make a living by trading in the market. And no, this is not a 'get rich quick' kind of approach, like the cheezy programs you see on TV at the New Year. I don't take any 'stock tips' that people may send my way, I just study almost 110 different stocks and am learning which ones seem to move best at particular times of the year- I base my trading upon that knowledge. I've been doing this for the past 2.5 years, trying to learn and apply what I learn on a daily basis. I'm on a 'five year plan' to become self sufficient by doing this, and it is just my luck that I have entered the market at one of the most crisis filled times in its' history. Figures. But, at least I have an excuse for not being able to do better- if the really seasoned pros can't figure out what in the world is going on, then how can I be expected to? (That rationalization always makes me feel better...) But I do know that if I just am patient and keep at it I am going to be able to take good care of myself. So, for now I just watch what goes on and journal about it a lot. A whole lot.
Next concern: The usual- my weight is driving me crazy. I am at a real plateau- have been at the same place for almost 6 months. And it's not like I sit on my fat butt all day; I DO go to the gym six times a week and try to watch what I eat. So, I'm thinking that there is something else going on- but I also know that my body hates me. It really does. But this is going to be a case of mind over body. I will persevere. I just hate the thought of not being able to shop for the cute clothes in the 'regular' racks. I don't ever want to have to shop in plus sized areas ever again. That is really a depressing thought. I like not having so much of myself around these days. I feel better, and I like the fact that people don't overlook me like I don't exist- which was quite common a few years ago. That is a really awful feeling to have. It's nice to be noticed again.
The economy: And not just the stock market. The huge bailout is really only a bandaid, which is hard to believe, but I think it's true. We have some underlying problems with our society/economy and they aren't going away any time soon. I think we are going to head into an economic depression within the next 5 years or so. Not a great prospect to look forward to- how well insulated does a person have to be to not be horribly affected by this? What will it take to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads? That is a big question. And not only that- but since I have this feeling ahead of time does it mean that I should work harder and save more just to find out that in the end it's all been for nothing? Will my hard earned nestegg just evaporate? Will I be left with less than nothing? And if I lose it all what about those poor folks who are barely scraping by right now? What will become of them? The uncertainty is really hard to deal with. I don't know how my mother's generation did it.
OK- guess I have unloaded for now. I feel a bit better by putting some of my issues out here for all to see. Letting go of them is a good thing to do, even though it won't really make a huge difference in most people's lives. That's OK, this is MY blog, so it really is all about me today.

An Attitude of Gratitude...

This is what I have cultivated over the span of the last five or six days. There are a few reasons why, and I will elaborate on them. But just know that it has been a really long-assed week.
#1: I do NOT have breast cancer. For that I am extremely grateful. For a few days this past week that was real possibility. I am not quite fifty, yet. So I have figured that my good health was a given. I have had the great fortune to be pretty darned healthy all of my life. No congenital diseases, no risky behaviors leading to dire consequences, nada. I hardly ever drink and I have never smoked, so it would seem that I am a shoo-in for a long life.
This week that theory was almost thrown out the window. But at least now the doctor has assured me that I'm still cancer-free. At least as far as my breasts are concerned. Good, just one less thing to have to deal with.

#2: I'm grateful that I don't have to trade on the open market to make a living. Not as of now, at least. This week I stood by and watched the American economy take a nose dive and wondered what I would do. I have been learning how to trade on the market for about 2.5 years now. I mean I have been studying it very diligently. There are times when I feel that my confidence level is right up there and I do a bit of trading. Some successful, some not so much. But, I can see the merits of doing this for a living, so I stick with it. I know that as I do this my expertise will grow and I will be extremely successful at it.
This week was a real test of my willingness to continue forward. I know that there were quite a few people out there who actually made a killing on a falling market, I understand the mechanics of the thing enough to know this. But, when I went to put it into practice, put my very real money on the line, I just didn't feel like it was right. So, I stood by on the sidelines and watched the stock market roller coaster up and down, like an attraction at Busch Gardens. With my cancer scare, it was kind of hard to really concentrate on what was going on, but at the end of the week I am glad that I sat it out. I still have my own 'nut' to trade with. I didn't lose a dime, which is fine. One thing I have learned with the market- there will be other opportunities coming around later. And I will be able to utilize them.

#3: My husband returned from Iraq in one piece, safe and sound. For that I am extremely grateful, too. When I look back on his photos it looks like he was actually enjoying himself, as hard as it may seem. He was in his military element, after all. He got a chance to see history being rewritten right in front of him. (He actually sat on one of Saddam Hussein's thrones. A photo that he would rather not think about, as he's embarrassed by the 'tourist' aspect of it. I think it's kinda cool myself, a sort of 'conquering army' kind of moment. The great-grandchildren will love that picture in years to come.) Among the adventures he got to participate in was a sandstorm that lasted almost 3 days, he woke up daily to a fine dusting of sand all over his bunk. He also got to see first hand what an amazing force the United States Military really is. There is no finer group of soldiers in the entire world.
But, now he is back home- it took nanoseconds for him to get used to being 'free and easy', the American way. Sometimes I feel we take too much for granted. But that is why Art went to Iraq in the first place- to make sure that we all can continue to live as we are accustomed.

So, all in all it was a really busy week. A week fraught with lots of problems, but one that I'm glad I got to participate in. There were a lot of trials that I had to face on my own. But, I guess that is why God gave me the head that is currently on my shoulders. He knew that I would be able to handle what was presented to me. And yeah, I'm grateful for the vote of confidence.

The Word of the Day...

STRESS
There are a lot of definitions for the word stress. It all depends on how you want to use it; you can use the word in phonics (to put the stress on a particular syllable of a word), or you could use it to define the mechanics of a thing (the ratio of force to an area). But most of us relate to the word 'stress' as it applies to our physical being- the specific response that our body has to an unpleasant event, or series of events, in our life.
I will use the latter definition for now.
Some of the symptoms I have experienced lately, and will continue to experience (I suppose) are: Grinding of teeth, anxiety, restlessness, sadness, anger, crying spells, relation conflict. That is a lot to have to put up with. But it's nothing unusual for me. Especially when I have to deal with the fact that my husband is leaving the country for a while.
Yep, he is going to Iraq. And within the next 10 days. That is the bad news, the good news is that he will only be gone for about two weeks. I found this out for certain this morning. If that doesn't produce some of the aforementioned symptoms of stress in a person, then I don't know what will.
But, the worst part of all of this is that I really can't show him how I'm dealing with this situation. Nope. That wouldn't be very 'military' of me. My husband and I spent 20 years in the Army; he as the active duty member, and me as his loving and supportive wife. I was the one who reassured him that everything would be fine in his absence, then waved goodbye with a sallow smile on my lips. And I did this countless times over the years, he was gone a hell of a lot then. He certainly paid his dues, or so I thought.
He doesn't feel that way, about the 'paying dues' part that is. He feels that if there are 20 year old men and women serving overseas, in harms way, then he should do everything he can to help them out. And that must include going over to Iraq to make sure the programs that he works on are being utilized the best way possible. Keep our troops functioning and safe. OK, I guess I can't argue with that reasoning. If I did then I would be a true selfish putz.
I'm sure that in the coming month I will be revisiting this topic frequently. There is a lot of stress coming my way. I know that he is going to be safe, and he'll be back home before I have gotten used to him being gone.
Stress- it's the word of the day.

Apathy, Lethargy, and Indifference

This is a bit different from my usual entries here. Unlike a lot of Americans these days the upcoming presidential election is weighing kind of heavy on me.
Ever since the debacle of 2000 I have been paying a bit more attention to what goes on in politics. Not that it really matters in the long run, it's just that in 2000 the American people got caught with their pants down around their ankles, and the country hasn't been the same since. Lots of people fell into the catagory of "Me Vote? Why? What Good Would It Do?" They were 'too busy' to pay even the smallest attention to who was running, and what their platforms were about. So, George Bush was voted in. 'Nuff said...
I like to think that if Al Gore had been elected, even just for one term, we wouldn't be the laughing stock of the world. Thank you, W. Thank you, 43. Thank you, El Presidente. Thanks for nothing. You should have quit while you were ahead, standing on the smoking ruins of the World Trade Center consoling a stunned nation. But no, you had to push your still unfathomable, secret agenda on a still grieving nation and we bought it- hook, line, and sinker.
Yep, we were done with 'killing Commies for Christ' in the 1980s, so now we were on to some new adventure. Some new way to flex our American muscle on an unsuspecting world. Some new way for some movers and shakers behind the scenes to make some enormously sweet moola, which is what I think the entire fiasco in Iraq is ultimately about. There were no WMDs there, nothing but some delusional two bit hustler by the name of Saddam Hussein who was wreaking havoc on his poor countrymen. Not really our business. Nope. But you, Dear George, made it ours, which I had a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about. I cringe whenever I think about Colin Powell testifying before Congress about how we had to invade Iraq. He was made to look the fool, along with the rest of his countrymen. No wonder why he resigned and left the Bush administration, his humiliation was deep.
These days the administration tries to palm off the excuse that Al-Quaida was there in Iraq back then, and we had to go get 'em. Not true. At the time that was never given as the reason why we were invading Iraq. Never. Not until recently. What a bunch of hooey. Don't get me wrong- I was all for our precious military going into Afghanistan to find the sick bastards that that sent all those innocent Americans to their deaths on September 11, 2001. I thought it was an easy decision, and I still think it was the right thing to do. The American Military did a good job there, and they aren't finished. But they are close. It's the rest of it that I don't get- but at least now we ALL know that Baghdad isn't just a place from The Arabian Nights, don't we?
Why do I bring all this obscenity up? (And yes, it IS obscene. The way the power of the Presidency has been misused by George W. Bush and Co. is nothing short of obscene.) Because it all comes down to being very much our fault; the American people's fault. We were consumed with apathy, lethargy, and indifference about what goes on in our very own country. Our beautiful, rich, blessed, amazing country that our forefathers gave their lives to form, preserve, and protect. Shame on all of us for ignoring this gift that we live with so very easily day after day.
So, now I ask you that as we start to watch the election process begin, yet again, to make sure that you PAY ATTENTION to what is being said by both candidates that are running for the office of the Presidency of the United States of America. Pay attention people!!!! It's just kinda important, doncha think? If you haven't registered to vote yet- then trot your behinds down to voter registration and do so. Then on election day, November 4, 2008 to be exact, VOTE. It is painless, and it doesn't take very long to exercise your right to have your voice heard. There are many people on the face of this earth that do not have the gift of having their voices heard this way. Many people have died to make this privilege available to us. So, don't let their efforts die in vain. It's the least that we can do.

The Seven Deadly Sins...

One of the seven deadly sins, greed, has reared it's ugly head in my life. Not that I have fallen prey to it, well not lately at least. A person that I know has been caught red handed, as it were, and now has the world's judgement upon her head. Not a great position to be in. It is certainly her own doing, but I still feel sorry for her.
If you are of the puritanical bent then this feeling is not new to you. As kids we are instilled with 'sharing'; our papers, pencils, sandwiches. We are taught that greed is not something that we should ever be comfortable dealing with. We are taught to run away from it at all costs, which we TRY to do when we are little. As we get older we start to rationalize many things in our daily lives as a way to cope with what we live with and do, and greed is just one of those things that kind of creeps up on us. We go from an extra cookie before dinner to the entire cookie jar's contents when we think no one is looking. And this is just what happened to my acquaintence. I'm not sure where the idea came to just 'skim a bit off the top' one month from the proceeds that she was accountable for. It was mostly cash contributions, after all. Who could really tell how much was taken in, nevermind how much was being stolen? The temptation was there staring her in the face. And she gave in.
So, instead of just taking 'one cookie' before dinner she was well on her way to emptying the entire jar. The only thing is that what she has done couldn't be ignored as easily as she thought. She figured that she had it down pat and no one was really paying attention to what she was doing. But, when you make lots of cookies and find that the cookie jar is continually empty you start to look at who has access to it to find out why it's empty. Sooner or later you hope to catch the individual responsible.
My acquaintence will tell you that she has a great excuse for why she stole the money that she did. She 'couldn't help herself', or some such thing. And yes, she was weak willed. She is facing her own demons; bad health, an unhappy marriage, addiction to luxury brands. Lots of reasons 'why', but the word 'morality' never enters into the discussion, which is too bad.
In our present society 'morality' is a word that is seldom used. Which is a shame, as it's an excellent word to keep in your heart at all times. We need a bit more 'morality' in our everyday lives, it seems. But should it be up to society to continually teach us what morality means? Or is it something that we should learn when we are young and then integrate into our selves and follow every day, just like sharing. Maybe in times past morality was discussed more frequently than it is today so people don't think it's very important, but it is still there trying to guide us, if we will simply listen to what we know to be right. Just because we don't talk about morality much doesn't give anyone the excuse to indulge in any of the seven deadly sins. No matter how full the cookie jar may be.