What is there to be afraid of? I'm not too sure anymore. And that is kind of an interesting thing. When we are young we all have many of the same fears; spiders, weird foods, monsters under the bed or in our closets. They seem to be very concrete and real, but when we get older we see that they really aren't. When we get older we get to see what REAL fears can be.
The older I get the more I know that what I was afraid of when I was young were really silly things, because these days my friends and I have experienced real fears; the possibility of not raising happy and healthy children, divorce, facing bankruptcy and losing the very home we live in, the death of loved ones. Those are certainly tangible fears that (unfortunately) many of us do have experience with. So, if we ever get to look back on our childhood fears we can laugh at them for the 'silly' things they are. But, they show us where we were at that time in life - young and innocent.
Right now I'm thinking specifically about looking back at people I used to know, and have lost touch with (until recently). People that I was extremely tight with when I was young, but I don't really know now. I know my high school years were, for the most part, not the best. I was never a jock, I was never popular, and I wasn't thought to be overly intelligent. When I graduated from high school I was mighty happy to exit those front doors and I've not ever really looked back. And that includes the usual- Christmas cards, reunions, and such. I have never done those things. I didn't keep in touch with anyone that I was so very involved with back then. I'm not sure why, but I just didn't feel the need, or desire, to. So, I didn't. That is until now.
As you know from a previous entry, I just recently found some of my dearest friends from high school. It's been about six weeks or so since I found Betsy and Kathy. And it's been really great- it's not like we have been apart for thirty plus years. There has been no judging, no one uppmanship, not any of the things that I was afraid would take place. And now we have found Debbie.
Last night Betsy, Kathy, and Debbie had dinner together. I wasn't there because I am all the way across the country from them. But I was there in spirit, and all of them knew it. Betsy made sure that pictures were shared, and my last entry here was printed and given. And I think it was all good, at least it seemed that way when they phoned me from the restaurant. That was so cool. Then this morning Betsy posted the pictures from last night, and that is when I realized all of this. And it dawned on me; just what exactly in the world are we so afraid of, anyway?
Did all of us think that we were the only ones left behind in the dust? That we were the only ones who were going to experience life and grow old while everyone around us had stayed young? I know that for myself I just figured that I would schlub along in life, doing what I do while everyone else I know went on live some sort of fabulous life. Hmmmm, didn't seem to happen that way at all. It appears that everyone else got busy living life, too. My friends grew up, they got older, but for some reason they weren't living any 'overly fabulous' lifestyles like I had imagined. Sure, we all are pretty happy with life- we are still breathing, we have families and love in our lives, and we are looking forward to what is in store next. I'm not sure what else there is there for us, but we are going to take it all one day at a time, just like we always have. We will continue to live our usual lives, doing our usual things. Nothing glamorous, nothing over the top. Just the usual.
I think that we have all figured out the solution to those childhood fears, I know I have. I learned that I am bigger than spiders and can smash them at will, I learned that some 'weird' food is really tasty, and I have confronted those damned monsters under the bed- they were really dust bunnies, after all. And I know that I have confronted one other real fear; the fear that all the people I grew up with went on to live some sort of big life that I would be excluded from, that I would somehow not understand or fit into. I'm glad to say that fear was completely unfounded, and I'm glad to find this out now. I guess that's what happens when you grow up - you face your fears and you get on with life. Yes, it's the way of the world.
P.S. There is one more thing to add to this self-realization, that I am not alone in this journey. I know that I now have three additional friends to turn to if I need them. And the same holds true for any one of them, I'm here if you need me. Don't hesitate to talk, I look forward to it.
